Goat Simulator

My Experience with Goat Simulator

I bought this game because I needed something silly to destress after work and also to test my phone’s performance on a paid mobile game. I’ve got a Samsung Galaxy A54, nothing fancy, and I’ve been playing on and off for just over a year now. Honestly, it’s exactly what it says on the tin: you’re a goat and you cause chaos. The first time I launched it, I spent maybe ten minutes just headbutting a gas station attendant and licking a trampoline until I flew across the map. It made me laugh way harder than it should have, especially on a Tuesday night when I was bored out of my mind. But here’s the thing: I didn’t have any idea what I was getting into with the controls. On mobile, the virtual joystick and buttons feel cramped, and I’ve accidentally launched my goat off a cliff more times than I can count trying to do a simple jump. Still, for the price and the ridiculous physics, it does what it advertises. I finished most of the challenges over a few weekends, though the skateboarding ones were a nightmare. My one support contact was about a glitch that froze my goat mid-air after a catapult launch — I emailed the devs on a Wednesday and they replied by Saturday with a workaround. Not super fast, but they actually helped, which is more than I can say for some free games I’ve tried. So yeah, it’s a good stress reliever, just don’t expect a deep game or perfect mobile controls.

Features Worth Noting

The highlight for me is the physics engine, even if it’s buggy. You can lick almost anything in the world and drag it around, which leads to hilarious moments like dragging a trash can across town or attaching a rope to a trampoline and a car to launch yourself. There are also different goats to unlock, like a goat with a jetpack or one that’s a giant head, and each one changes how you play. I unlocked the Tall Goat by finding all the collectible statues in the city, which took me a solid week of casual searching. The open world is bigger than I expected for a mobile port, with hidden areas like a secret underground lab and a rooftop skate park. The mini-games are hit or miss: the flinging catapult activity is dumb fun, but the skateboarding segments are nearly impossible on my phone because the touch controls don’t register well during fast turns. There’s also a multiplayer mode where you can play with friends locally or online, but I’ve only tried it twice because most of my friends don’t want to buy a copy just for goat chaos. It’s chaotic and stupid in the best way when you both collide mid-air though.

What Needs Work

The mobile controls are the biggest letdown. On my A54, the virtual buttons cover a chunk of the screen, and sometimes they just don’t respond when I want to jump or lick something quickly. It’s especially bad during timed challenges or when you’re trying to do precise stunts like landing on a specific object. I’ve lost count of how many times I fell off a building because I tapped the wrong spot. Also, the game hasn’t gotten updates in a while — I checked on it a couple months ago and the last patch was from 2023. That means some bugs I reported, like the one where a goat’s tongue gets stuck on geometry and you have to restart the app, are still there. The battery drain on my phone is pretty noticeable too; playing for 45 minutes dropped my battery from full to 65%, which isn’t great if you’re commuting. And for a paid game, I’d expect at least some optimization. There’s also no cloud save, so when I got a new phone last year, I had to start everything from scratch. That annoyed me, considering I paid real money for it.

Pricing

The app costs a flat fee, no subscription, no ads. I paid $4.99 for it back in 2023, which feels fair for the amount of content. There are no in-app purchases, which I really appreciate since I hate games that nickel-and-dime you. However, you can’t try it before you buy it, and considering the mobile controls issues, I wish there was a lite version or a demo. For the price of a coffee, you get dozens of hours of dumb fun if you’re into collecting stuff and causing mayhem. But if you’re on a tight budget and want a polished mobile game, this might feel like a gamble. I’ve seen it go on sale for $2.99 around holidays, so if you’re patient, wait for that.

Developer Notes

Coffee Stain Publishing seems to treat Goat Simulator as a joke project, which is both charming and frustrating. The mobile port feels like a direct copy of the PC version with less polish. They’ve added some mobile-specific features like touch controls and a few new challenges, but they haven’t fixed core issues like the occasional crash when you have too many objects attached to your goat. I checked their website and they have a Discord server, but I never bothered to join. They did respond to my support email eventually, so they aren’t ignoring users. That said, for a paid app, I’d expect a bit more care. If you look at the app store reviews, a lot of people have complained about the lack of updates since 2022. It works, but it feels like they’ve moved on to other projects.

Security & Privacy

The app asks for access to your storage, likely for saving your game data locally. I didn’t see it ask for my location or camera, which is good. It does require an internet connection for the multiplayer mode, but single-player works fine offline. I ran a check with a free privacy tool on my phone and it didn’t flag any weird trackers or data collection. For a paid game, that’s expected, but I’ve seen free apps try to grab more permissions. The privacy policy on their website is simple, says they don’t sell your data, which lines up with the behavior I’ve seen. I keep the app on my Samsung and it hasn’t tried to phone home or show me ads. So from a privacy standpoint, it’s fine for a casual game.